Stupid Mike!
by likethestarsthat-shine
Summary: What happens when Mike comes to the Cullen household after Bella's first hunting trip as a vampire? He just never gives up! What happens when he meets the certain daughter of Edward and Bella, Renesmee? Will he take the hint? Slightly OOC
1. Mike

**A/N: Funny! Or to me it is. I guess. Idk. Read please! During Breaking Dawn. Sorry, these lines aren't actually from Breaking Dawn. But that's what fanfiction is all about!**

**Me: Do I own the Twilight Saga?  
Disclaimer: Nope!  
Me: Why not? *stomps foot like 5 year old*  
Disclaimer: Because Stephenie Meyer does! *blows raspberry*  
Me: I utterly hate your guts. If it weren't for you, the Twilight Saga would be mine within seconds! Mwahahahahahaha!  
Disclaimer: But I do exist! So you won't EVER own the Twilight Saga! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  
Me: *sticks tongue out***

**B-POV**

The burning finally stopped. I was finished hunting. Edward liked the improvements that that mountain lion made to my dress. **(A/N: I just had to throw that in there!) **I was going to see the only daughter I would ever get. All was good. I was running alongside Edward. My gorgeous husband, and the father to our child. _Our_ child. I liked the sound of that. I darted in the direction of our little cottage. Edward followed behind me, not wanting to leave a newborn vampire with humans around. I darted into the closet that was bigger than the cottage itself. Alice's doing. I knew that if I dressed in jeans and a shirt, she would just drag me back here and force me into something else. Might as well put on something that will please her.** (A/N: Pictures on profile) **When I was dressed, I got in front of the mirror to do a once over. Edward came up from behind me, his arms snaked around my waist, and he rested his chin on my shoulder.

"You look perfect," he whispered in my ear.

"Hey, Edward?" I said turning around to look at his face.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Could we _not_ rip this outfit to shreds? I actually like it," I stated. He just laughed and nodded his head. We walked out the door, hand in hand. When we got outside, we sprinted to the big white house, where Rosalie was just finishing feeding Renesmee. My baby._ Our_ baby. I smiled at that. We reached the house. Rosalie was holding Renesmee, a baby that couldn't possibly be mine. She had the appearance of a 2 month old. She was only born a few days ago. She stepped forward, cautiously, slowly. To see if I could contain my thirst no doubt. I took a deep breath. Renesmee had a human scent, and a vampire scent. Nothing I couldn't handle. She smelled too much like a vampire to smell that appetizing. I nodded my head to show Rosalie that I could handle it. She looked at me, then handed Renesmee to me, smiling. I looked down at the miracle in my arms. She was beautiful. She had a head full of bronze-colored hair. Just like her dad. They fell in ringlets down to her chin. She had the chocolate colored brown eyes that I recently had. Her skin was pale, but she was very warm. She smiled up at me, and her tiny hand reached up toward my cheek. I smiled back at her. Then I heard something that alarmed me. I whipped my head around. Somebody turning off of the highway and onto the Cullens' drive way. I looked up at Edward for an explanation, but he was concentrating on something. Then, amusement crossed his face. He laughed. But before any of us could ask, he answered.

"It's Newton. He's coming here to ask Bella out on a date," he chuckled. Emmett's booming laughter filled the room, along with the laughter of the rest of them. I looked up at Edward, shock and alarm on my face.

"I'm still a newborn vampire! Mike's got blood!" I hissed. The room immediately fell silent. It lasted like that for a few seconds.

"Do you think that you would be able to keep control for just a minute or so?" Carlisle asked. I remembered earlier when I was hunting with Edward. I smelled this absolutely mouthwatering aroma. I knew at once that it was human blood I smelled. Edward remembered it, too.

"She can handle it," he answered for me Then he explained about the hikers in the woods and my reaction. When he finished, everybody was looking at me in shock. I let my head fall down. I still hated attention.

"Edward, take Renesmee. I want to explain to Michael that I am _married_. Because apparently that hasn't sunken into his big, fat head yet," I said between clenched teeth. The car came closer, Edward took Renesmee from me, and strolled out of the room along with everybody else. The car was now parked in front of the Cullens' house. Mike was dressed in a light blue polo, and khaki jeans. He had a red rose in his hand. I sighed. I went into the kitchen with everybody else to act like I didn't know about his arrival. I heard a knock on the front door. I sighed again. Edward squeezed my hand once, and then le it go as I walked to the door. I took one last gulp of fresh air, and held my breath. I opened the door.

"Mike! What are you doing here?" I asked in a slightly less than enthusiastic voice. A human wouldn't catch it. Everybody waiting in the kitchen would. He looked bewildered. I mentally kicked myself. Of course he would be puzzled. My voice was now like bells, and I looked like a goddess.

"Bella?" he asked incredulously.

"Yep," I said, popping the "p".

"You look…different. You look great!" he said.

"Yeah," I said. I was loving actually being pretty for once.

"Tyler and Eric won't believe it! Can I take a picture of you?" he asked excitedly.

"Um…sure?" it sounded like a question. He took out his phone and snapped a picture of me. "So what did you come here for?" I asked.

"Oh. I…uh…was wondering if you wanted… to… go on a date…with me," he said handing me the rose. I sighed. His scent surprisingly didn't burn my throat. He actually smelled repulsive. Gross. Like _human _food. Again, gross.

"Mike-" I started but Edward interrupted.

"Bella, Renesmee wants you," he said entering the room with a pink bundle cradled lovingly in his arms. He was getting the hand of this father thing. He's such a lifesaver at times.

"Who's Renesmee? Your pet or something?" Mike questioned. Edward was now at my side, handing me Renesmee. I growled when he said that. Mike took a step back. I had Renesmee in my arms, Edward's arm around my waist.

"No, Mike," I hissed. "Renesmee is our daughter," I said, love in my voice. Mike looked shocked. I laughed and Edward chuckled.

"Your…d-d-daughter?" Mike stuttered.

"Yes Mike. _Our _daughter," I said. I extended my arms for Mike to see her. He gasped when he saw Edward's bronze hair, and my brown eyes. He then looked into my eyes. Good thing Alice lent me those contacts. I had slipped them in right before I answered the door. I looked down and smiled at my little miracle. "And Mike," I said in my new sing-song voice, "no I will not go on a date with you. I'm _very_ happily married. I'm sorry to say this, but I will _never_ go on a date with you. No. No, I'm not," I muttered the last part too quickly and quietly for human ears. But it resulted in an uproar from the kitchen and Edward. I just smiled. Mike frowned and walked back to his car. I made sure he was still looking before I pulled Edward in for a deep, passionate kiss, leaving enough room in between us for Renesmee. I looked back at Mike's car swiftly, and his face was murderously angry, with a hint of shock, disappointment, and jealousy. Ha. But I looked back at Edward before Mike even knew I looked his way. Edward chuckled, and we walked back into the kitchen where everybody was still laughing. We joined in. I was pretty sure Mike wouldn't be bothering me for a while now. Stupid Mike. He actually thought he would get a date with a married woman. Yeah right! I would get my happily ever after now. Hopefully.

**A/N: That's it! What'd ya think? Was Mike totally stupid or what. I would say…YES! See ya later.**


	2. Tyler

**A/N: You guys were begging for another chapter, so here it is.**

**Disclaimer: *looks at 25K golden necklace I just gave him*  
Me: Do I own the Twilight Saga **_**now**_**?  
Disclaimer: Nope! But now **_**I**_** own a 25K gold necklace!  
Me: Ugh! I spent my life's, my parents lives', and my brother's life's savings on that! I'm gonna get killed!**

It was the day after Mike came. I got back from hunting with Rosalie, Emmett, and Esme. I had tackled a bear, and a mountain lion. Yum! I managed to keep my clothes in tact. No blood, no rips. Yay! I sprinted back to the house to see my darling baby girl. Then I smelled something off. Another human. Why me?! It smelled repulsive, again. It was Mike and somebody else. I looked at the front of the house and there, just pulling out of the forest and into the meadow, was Mike and Tyler. Ugh. Stupid Mike. I ran even faster and darted through the back doors, and into the front room where everybody was sitting. Emmett sat down on the loveseat and pulled Rosalie on top of him. Esme went to sit next to Carlisle, and I went to sit next to Edward. I slipped in the contacts. Edward handed me Renesmee. I smiled at her. She had grown. Not visible to human eyes, but she had grown. Two doors slammed outside, and then 2 pairs of feet made their way up the stairs and across the porch. Then they was a knock at the door. I propped Renesmee up on my shoulder, and went to get the door. Edward came with me. I opened the door.

"Mike, Tyler, what are you doing here?" I asked them, annoyance clear in my voice. To the vampires in this room. Ha ha.

"Well, Tyler here didn't believe that that picture I took was of you. He thought I took the picture of a model or something," Mike stated while Tyler looked at me with his mouth hanging wide open. I stifled a giggle. Edward looked at me, smiled that perfect crooked smile, and looked back to our company before they could register what had happened.

"Bella? Is that really you?" Tyler asked, clearly dazed. I nodded, still smiling.

"Would you like to go on a date with me?" Tyler blurted out. I let my head fall back and laughed. I looked back at him.

"Tyler, I got a wonderful husband and a perfect daughter," I told him.

"D-d-d-daughter?" he asked, shocked. "What adoption center did you use?" he asked Edward and me.

"Uh, Tyler? I didn't adopt. This is _our_ child," I said gesturing to Edward and myself. Then I took Renesmee from my shoulder and showed her to Tyler. He, like Mike, gasped when he saw Edward's bronze hair, and my chocolate brown eyes. Emmett's thunder-like laugh filled the room. Alice came over to us.

"Yeah! It's _their_ daughter, and I'm the aunt!" Alice shouted enthusiastically. Everybody except for Tyler and Mike laughed.

"So, Bella?" Tyler asked.

"What?" I said just a little bit harshly. And, this time, the humans could hear it. Tyler cringed back ever so slightly.

"Well…uh…you never answered my question," he said quietly.

"What question?" I said, perplexed.

"Will you…uh… go on a date with me?" he asked, softer still.

"I already answered that! But, I guess if you want a yes or no answer…This goes for you, too, Mike... No! I will not go out with you now, or ever! I have a wonderful family! The perfect sisters," when I said that Alice and Rosalie came to stand to the left of me, while Edward was still on my right, "the perfect brothers," Jasper and Emmett came to stand behind Alice and Rosalie, "and the perfect parents," I said as Carlisle and Esme came to stand behind me. Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder as I continued, "the perfect husband," I said as Edward beamed, and I laid my head on his shoulder, "and the sweetest little daughter anyone could ever ask for," I continued as I smiled and pulled Renesmee closer to me. "Not to mention Charlie and Renee," I finished. "That answer your question?" I asked smugly. They both just nodded. "Ok. Bye!" I said and shut the door in their faces.  
As soon as the humans were out of hearing distance, we all burst out laughing.

"Thank you, Bella," said Rosalie softly as she pulled me into a gentle hug. I smiled at her.

"Yeah! Thanks Bella! I didn't know me and Rose were _perfect_. I mean, sure I knew we were close to it…" Alice trailed off, beaming and pulling me into a hug.

"THANKS, BELLS!" Emmett boomed coming over to me. I raised a hand to stop him. He looked disappointed.

"Rose, take Renesmee. I have a feeling Emmett's gonna try and crush me," I said smiling at Emmett and handing Rosalie Renesmee as everybody else burst out into another round of laughter. I gestured for Emmett to continue, and he was next to me in a flash. I was suddenly lifted off of the ground and into Emmett's bone-crushing hug. My air circulation was cut off, but I didn't need it so I didn't complain. Emmett put me back down.

"Bella, thank you," Jasper said quietly, with a huge smile on his face.

"No problem," as said as we pulled away from our sibling hug.

"Bella," Esme said as she walked over and hugged me gently. "Thank you so much. I've always tried to be the best mother I can be," she said with a soft smile on her face.

"And you always are the best mother," I said as I pulled away to look at her. A chorus of 'Yeah', 'Definitely ', came from around the room.

"I appreciate what you just did, Bella," Carlisle said as we hugged.

"I don't mind at all. It was all the truth," I said with a grin on my face.

"Hmm. I didn't know I was perfect. I mean, I knew I was good at _everything_, you said so yourself. But perfect?" Edward asked as a new round of laughter came up.

"Yes. Perfect," I said as I kissed him. "Rose? Can I have Renesmee back?" I asked her. She nodded, a smile still on her face, as she handed Renesmee to me. I smiled as Renesmee put her hand to my cheek, and showed me that she wanted to sleep. I nodded, as she smiled and closed her eyes. Edward came up beside me, and we plopped down on the couch again. I smiled contently. But, I had this strange feeling that something else was gonna happen tomorrow…Weird.

**A/N: How do you like? Tell me by clicking that white and green rectangle!**


	3. Jessica

**A/N: Third chapter! Who would've guessed I would get 3 chappies done in this short amount of time! Anyway, here it is!**

**Disclaimer: *whistles casually*  
Me: I've scrubbed down all the walls, cleaned those filthy toilets, cleaned your disastrous room, so **_**now **_**do I own the Twilight Saga?  
Disclaimer: Nope! **_**Now **_**you can weep in agony from not owning the Twilight Saga.  
Me: Edward! Come here! I need comforting!  
Edward: *walks into room*  
Me: Disclaimer! Can I just own Edward? The god, the hero, my life. Please Disclaimer!  
Disclaimer: No! No you cannot. 'Cause you are lame, and Edward doesn't rest you the hands of lame people.  
Me: *sobs into Edward's chest*  
Edward: *comforts Hannah (Me)* What did you do that for?! Look at her! Now she's all sad! I don't like seeing people sad!  
Jasper: *walks into room* Argh! The emotion coming from this girl is **_**killing**_** me! Make it stop! MAKE. IT. STOP!  
Edward: Wow. She's getting to you Jasper.  
Jasper: You think I don't know that?  
Edward: I know exactly what you're thinking.  
Me: *keeps sobbing*  
Jasper: Ahhhhhh! *storms out of room***

**B-POV**

I was positively wonderful. My miraculous baby girl in my arms, my perfect husband with his arm around my waist, my wonderful family off in their own little worlds. We were all sitting in the living room, paying no mind to the T.V. that was driving the electricity bill up the wall. Me and Edward sat together on the loveseat, watching Renesmee in her peaceful sleep. Something I would never do again. Sleep. I have barely gotten use to that fact yet. Rosalie was also watching Renesmee, with a look of pure adoration on her face. I'm sure I had the same exact look on _my_ face. I looked over at Edward, who was also mirroring mine and Rosalie's expression. But I was worried. Yes, Renesmee was still small, still baby sized, but bigger. Growing. Everyday. And fast. I was worried for my little baby. The only one I would ever get. _My _baby. _My _daughter. It still sounded weird in my own ears, as I'm sure it did in everybody else's, too. Nobody ever thought that Edward and I could produce a child together. Don't worry, I'll spare the details. Carlisle was upstairs in his study, trying to get whatever information possible about half-breeds. Esme was in the dining room, cleaning it. Again. Even though it was already spotless. Alice was looking through her closet, trying to find stuff that she had already worn once. Jasper was in the recliner, reading some story about the Civil War, trying to find more mistakes in the boo no doubt. Rosalie and Emmett were on the couch. Emmett's eyes were glued to the T.V., but I could tell he wasn't really watching it. Then, the thing I wanted to hear the least rang in my ears. A car turning off the freeway and onto the Cullens' drive. The same thing it had done yesterday, and the day before. Only this time, it wasn't the repulsive smell of blood I had learned to deal with from Mike or Tyler. It was a sweet smelling blood. Very sweet. But not sweet enough that I couldn't resist. I turned to Edward, his face one of annoyance and amusement now. I questioned him with my eyes, trying to find out who Tyler and Mike had brought with them this time. He just shook his head. I sighed, and then looked over to where Rosalie and Emmett were sitting. They were looking out the window-wall, to see the oncoming SUV. Carlisle was downstairs in a flash, and looked over at me with wary eyes.

"They're here for you, I assume?" Carlisle asked.

"I suppose. Jeez! People these days cannot take a hint!" I whisper-yelled, as to not wake Renesmee. Carlisle gave me a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Jasper got up from the recliner to go put his book back, and Carlisle took a seat in it. Alice was downstairs the second Jasper got up from his spot.

"Bella?" she asked me, whilst looking out the window. I sighed. I already knew what she was talking about.

"Yup. Some people are just so impossible these days!" I told her. She nodded, and then came to sit by me on the arm of the loveseat. Esme walked into the room at the same time Jasper re-entered. She went to go sit on the couch next to Rosalie, and Jasper came to stand by Alice. The large SUV came out of the green depths of the forest. I looked over to see Mike, Tyler, and Jessica in the front seat. I sighed. Edward had told me about Jessica's thoughts when I first came here, and they weren't very nice. They pulled up to the house, and got out of the car. I waited on the loveseat, until I heard a knock on the glass door. Esme, bless her dead, loving heart, went to answer the door.

"Hello. I presume you want to see Bella?" Esme asked them.

"Yeah," I heard Mike answer. I took a deep breath, and looked over to them. Mike was holding a bouquet of roses. Tyler was holding a box of chocolates. And Jessica held a card that said 'Congratulations! It's a Girl!' I swiftly and gracefully got up from my spot on the loveseat, Renesmee still in my arms. I walked over to the door, and the 3 of them gasped when they saw me. Mike and Tyler, probably because of my outfit. And Jessica because she hadn't seen me as a gorgeous, graceful vampire. Or, maybe Jessica gasped at both?

"Bella! You actually look…well, hot! And since when have you had such good taste in fashion?" Jessica asked sounding insultingly surprised. Edward growled too low for any human to hear.

"Well, when you have Alice as a sister, you kind of don't have a choice," I said, flashing a look at Alice.

"Bella, will you go out with me? Please? I love you with all my heart! Why can't you see that we're meant to be? Why'd you have to go off and have a baby with Cullen over there? Why can't you see that I love you? Why can't you get it in your head that you love me, too? I bet Cullen's abusing you, isn't he? Oh, I knew it! I should call Charlie! Bella, it's ok. You can tell us! Cullen's abusing you isn't he?" Mike finished in one big rush, extending the roses towards me. I looked around at everyone's incredulous faces. They were all staring at Mike. Carlisle and Esme got up, and walked this way.

"So, you're calling my son an abuser?" Carlisle and Esme asked simultaneously. Mike looked up from me, and at them. His heart rate sped up, and he took a step back.

"N-n-no. O-o-of course n-n-not," Mike stuttered.

"Really? 'Cause that's what it sounded like to me. What about you, Carlisle?" Esme said as she looked from Mike up at Carlisle, waiting for an answer.

"That's exactly what it sounded like to me," Carlisle answered, never looking away from Mike. I saw Edward get up and walk this way. When he reached us, he put an arm around my waist and asked in a low voice,

"You think I would ever hurt such a wonderful creature?" Mike only nodded. "Then where are her bruises and scars?" Edward asked in the same low voice. Mike didn't have an answer to that. I was grateful. I sighed and leaned into Edward.

"Bella, will you go out with me?" Tyler pleaded. I shot him a glare and heard Jessica mumble under her breath,

"Boys."

"No, Tyler! I explained this to you _and_ Mike yesterday! I am happy here, I am _not_ being abused," I glared at Mike, "I love this family, I love my daughter, and I love my husband! How many times must I explain that before it sinks into your thick skulls?" I yelled at them. Renesmee stirred in my arms. I looked down, and smiled as her eyelids fluttered open, revealing those chocolate brown eyes that used to belong to me. I saw Jessica follow my gaze, and then I heard her gasp. I looked up at her.

"She's beautiful," Jessica said, her voice heavy in awe.

"I know. And she's mine," I said as I looked up at Edward, to find him looking at me, and smiled. He returned my smile with his dazzling crooked one. Renesmee patted my arm, trying to get my attention. I looked back down at her, and smiled again. She laughed, a tinkling bell. This was the first time I had heard her laugh. I laughed with her. Then Rosalie was at my side, looking down at Renesmee.

"That's the first time she's ever laughed. And all you had to do was look down and smile at her," Rosalie told me. "She must really love her mother," she finished, looking at me and smiling. I beamed, and Edward did the same.

"Here, Bella," Jess said, handing me the card. I took it.

"Thank you, Jess," I said. "I appreciate this," I told her, sending her a warm smile.

"What about my stuff?" Mike and Tyler said simultaneously.

"Your stuff was bought to try and get me to go on a date with you!" I snapped at them. They cringed back, and Edward smirked.

"So…I'll pick you up at 7'o'clock tonight?" Mike asked. My nostrils flared, and I glared at him.

"Mike! I'm _NOT_ going on a date with you!" I shrieked, fuming. Edward's grip tightened on my waist, restraining me just in case.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I told both of these idiots that you'd say no, but do they listen to me? No. Of course not," Jess apologized. I gave her a slight smile and nodded.

"We'll just leave now," Jess finished ushering them back to the car. Edward growled too low for them to hear.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Jessica's thoughts," he growled.

"What's she thinking?" I asked warily.

"_Ok, since when did Bella become _pretty_? I should be the one with Edward, I should have the beautiful baby. But no, Bella has to have what should've been my life. I guess the ugly duckling became a beautiful swan. That's what her name means. Ugh! I can't believe she got _my_ life! So unfair!_" Edward quoted Jessica's thoughts as the SUV disappeared into the green forest. I drifted back to the loveseat, Edward right beside me. Now, I know I still haven't seen the last of Mike. Stupid Mike. I hate him so much. Stupid Mike.

**M-POV**

"MOM!" I yelled as I burst through the door.

"What is it, honey?" my mother asked as she came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron.

"Bella's being abused by her husband!" I shouted at her. She stopped in her tracks.

"How do you know, Mike?" she whispered.

"Because she's afraid to leave him! I know she wants me, I can feel it! She loves me, she's just afraid to leave Cullen because he abuses her," I said I a 'duh' voice.

"Does she have any bruises or anything?" my mother asked?

"Well…no…but-" I started but my mother cut me off.

"Michael Newton! If she doesn't have any marks, then she is perfectly fine!" my mom screeched, walking back into the kitchen. I followed.

"But mom! She won't leave him! She won't go on a date with me! I know she loves me, but she can't admit it because Cullen abuses her," I told her matter-of-factly.

"Mike, ever get the idea that she loves Ed- Wait! You asked a married woman out on a date?" my mom asked. I nodded. "Mike! You went to her wedding! You know she's married! Why would you do such a thing?" My mom asked. I shrugged.

" 'Cause I love her," I said simply.

"Michael, did you ever get the impression that she loves Edward, not you?" my mother asked in a soft voice.

"No, 'cause we were meant for each other," I answered.

"Mike, you may think that, but she loves Edward. Leave the girl alone," my mother said.

"Why? You think I should just give up because she's got a daughter?" I asked her.

"Yes, Mi-Wait! She has a daughter?" she yelled. I nodded. "Is it adopted, or hers?" she asked.

"Hers," I said.

"Mike! If she has had a baby with Edward, than they are clearly very happy together. Leave them _alone_," she said.

"Bu she loves me!" I yelled. My mother just picked up the phone.

That's how I ended up in a support group. Ugh.


	4. Eric

**A/N: Yet another chapter of Stupid Mike! Enjoy**

**Disclaimer: For the 100****th**** time, you do no own the Twilight Saga! Stop asking!  
Me: I will find a way. Even if that means annoying you until you give me what I want *smiles evilly*  
Disclaimer: AHHHHHHH! *flees the room*  
Me: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!**

**B-POV**

I climbed through the window, to find myself upstairs in the upstairs in Carlisle's study, at the little fridge that was behind his leather chair, invisible when you walk into the room. Perfect. I opened it to find the cups of blood Carlisle had purchased from blood drives and such. I grabbed a cup, and poured the contents of it into the metallic bottle that I would give to Renesmee. I threw the cup into the mini trashcan under Carlisle's desk, and darted down the stairs. I loved being fast without tripping over a bunch of nothingness. Alice looked up from the fashion magazine she was holding, and looked me over. Checking my outfit. I always had to look like a fashion model.

"Nice," she approved, and looked back down at the magazine. **(A/N: pic of her outfit on profile) **I rolled my eyes, and walked over to Rosalie. I smiled down at Renesmee, and handed Rosalie the bottle. I knew that she wanted to feed Renesmee today. I sat down on the couch in between her and Edward. I laid my head on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around my waist. I adjusted my head so that I could see Renesmee sucking the bottle dry. Sure, she could live off of human food, but she always preferred blood. I really don't blame her. That baby formula reeks! I sighed contentedly. I sighed too soon. I heard tires turning off of the highway and onto our driveway. For the fourth time this week. I growled, a low menacing sound. My head snapped around and looked out the window.

"Can we move? Maybe that will get these freaky stalkers to leave me _alone_," I asked Carlisle who had just walked into the room.

"Maybe," Carlisle said wearily.

"C'mon!" I commanded everybody as I stood up, and walked towards the kitchen. I glanced back to see that Mike's SUV was still in the depths of the green forest. Everybody in it couldn't see us yet. I veered sideways and darted up the stairs at vampire speed. I heard 7 pairs of footsteps behind me as I walked into the 2nd floor family room.

"What are we doing?" Alice asked as we all sat down.

"_Hiding. _Maybe if we stay up here long enough, they'll think we're not home and go _away_," I told them as I plopped down on the sofa. Edward sat next to me, and took my hand in one of his. He extended his other arm, put it on my cheek, and turned my face to look at him. Him and all of his perfectness.

"It'll be fine soon enough. They'll get tired of you eventually," he joked. I gave him a smile, laid my head on his shoulder, and pulled my legs up on the couch.  
Soon enough, there was the slamming of car doors, and 4 pairs of feet making their way to the door. A sweet blood scent, and 3 very _repulsive_ ones. The third was the most repulsive, and the one whose owner is who I have not encountered before. At least, as a vampire. I was guessing it was Eric. I shuddered.

"Lemme guess," I said quietly through clenched teeth. "Mike, Tyler, Jessica, and _Eric_," I sneered his name. Poor, chess-club Eric. Alice gave me a sympathetic smile, and a small nod. I sighed of frustration. I heard a knock. Nobody in the room moved a single muscle. Except for Renesmee, that is.

"Maybe nobody's home, dude," Tyler said from outside.

"No, they're definitely home. All their cars are here," Mike told him. Another knock.

"You know, maybe Bella knows it's you and is hiding," Jessica sneered.

"No way! She loves me! I know she does. Cullen's just abusive and he won't let her leave," Mike told her. God he's so delusional!

"Mike! She loves Edward! God, you're so delusional!" Jessica yelled at him. It's like she read my mind.

"Hey Edward? Can Jessica read minds?" I asked.

"Uh, no. Why?" he asked.

"Because I was just thinking that, and then she said it," I shrugged. "I mean, like, the _exact _same thing," I told him. This time, he shrugged.

"BELLA! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! GET DOWN HERE AND OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE!" Mike yelled. I growled again. I was so hoping that he could hear it. Rosalie got up, smiled warmly at me, and left the room, still cradling Renesmee. I heard her footsteps as she walked to the front door. She opened it.

"What?" she asked them, annoyance the only thing anyone could sense in her voice.

"You're not Bella," Mike accused.

"Oh my God, Mike. I can't believe you don't recognize me! Of _course _I'm Bella," Rosalie's voice was very dull, and very sarcastic.

"Whatever. Where's Bella? Why do you have her baby? OMG! Cullen's abusing her isn't he? Bella! Don't worry! I'm coming up there! CULLEN! You better stop abusing her!" Mike's yelled. He was trying to get past Rosalie.

"Wait! I have an idea! Rosalie, tell him to go to Edward's room! Give him directions! Everybody else, stay here!" I said, my voice normal so the vampires in this room and Rosalie would be able to hear. Alice's face went black, then a smile spread across her lips.

"Oh! This is going to be hilarious!" Alice said, trying to contain her laughter. I looked over at Edward and he was smiling down at me, his lips in a straight line, trying to contain his laughter as well. I shot up, grabbed his hand, and fled to his room. He sat down on his bed, pulling me down with him. I pulled his head closer to mine, until our lips were locked together in a passionate kiss. His hands wrapped around my waist, and mine locked around his neck, trying to get closer to him, if that was possible. One of his hands slid up the back of my shirt, and his fingers trailed down my spine. I heard Mike's approaching footsteps. I smiled against Edward's lips. Mike's footsteps were getting closer to Edward's door, as Edward's tongue traced my bottom lip, and I immediately granted access. Our tongues battled for dominance, thrashing against each other. Mike's footsteps were right outside of Edward's door now. He showed no hesitation, and threw the door open, resulting in it hitting the wall with a very audible "BANG!". Edward and I jumped apart immediately. I turned my head slowly, to glare at Mike's shocked face.

"NEWTON! WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?**(A/N: I'm sorry. I just hate using swear words…)**" I yelled at him. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. "YOU CAN'T JUST BARGE INTO SOMEONE'S ROOM WITHOUT KNOCKING!" I turned to Edward. "I'm buying your freakin' door a freakin' lock," I told him sourly. He nodded while Mike a death glare. I got up, and walked over to Mike, Edward on my heels. I spun him around, and led him out the door, and down the stairs. Rosalie looked very annoyed, and I'm sure mine and Edward's expression mimicked hers. She looked at Mike's horror-struck face.

"I told you not to go up there," she sneered while I gave Mike one last shove toward the door. I held my hands out for Renesmee, and Rosalie handed her to me instantly.

"Wow," Eric breathed. "Bella?" he asked looked at me, drooling. Ew. He was _drooling. _ I nodded, and leaned into Edward.

"Bella?" Tyler asked.

"What?" I asked, still putting on my irritated charade.

"Will you go out with me tonight?" he asked. My eyes narrowed to slits. I gave Renesmee to her father- that felt good to say. Edward. Her _father_- and walked over to Tyler. I bent down to his ear.

"Never," I whispered, and he shivered as my cold breath trickled down his neck. I turned around to walk back to Edward, but a sweaty hand wrapped around my arm, and jerked me back around. It was a very pathetic attempt, but as I was still supposed to be my weak human self, I spun around.

"What?" I asked Eric, my voice so close to acid.

"Bella, I know you love me! Go out with me tonight!" Eric pleaded. I looked down at his hand still around my am, my face full of disgust.

"Ew. Love _you_?" I asked him incredulously as he released my arm. I wiped it on my jeans. "And, if you still haven't figured out the answer to my question, it's 'No'," I told him. Edward suddenly growled. I turned to look at him, but another hand caught my arm, tugged me around (and this time I wasn't paying much attention so I didn't have to act), and then a pair of warm lips was on my own. Jessica, Tyler, and Eric gasped, while Edward growled furiously along with Rosalie. But before he had time to act, I lightly kicked Mike where the Sun don't shine, and he fell to the ground, groaning in pain. Well, to _me_ I kicked lightly.

"Don't you _ever_ do that again! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME YOU FREAKIN' NEWTON?!" I growled. My voice was now deadly with acid. Mike nodded. I ran back over to Edward, human speed of course, and took my baby back. Edward walked over to where Mike was, and crouched down so he was eye-level with him.

"Touch my girl again, and you'll be sorry she ever came into your life," Edward told him in a low, menacing, and dangerous voice before he stood back up, and walked back over to me. I cradled Renesmee in one arm, while I wrapped the other around Edward's neck and pulled his head down. Our lips met. I pulled away after a second, and cradled Renesmee in both arms again. Edward's arm wrapped around my waist, and I leaned into him. Carlisle then walked into the room.

"I think it would be best if you left, and don't bother us again," he said calmly, but I could still make out the anger radiating off of him, as if I'd inherited Jasper's power. They nodded, and while Jessica went to go get in the car, Tyler and Eric lifted Mike and carried him to the car. They drove away without another word. I really hoped that they would take Carlisle's advice, and that they wouldn't come back…

**M-POV**

Dang that girl can _kick_! But, no worries, Mike. She's just shy in showing her true feelings for you. She really just loves you.

**A/N: Isn't he something? I'm gonna have to do something about dumb ole' Mike here. What do you suggest I do? Review! Hey! That rhymed…**


	5. Lauren

**A/N: Here it is! Chapter 5 of 'Stupid Mike!' Enjoy!**

**B-POV**

Renesmee was waking from her nap, stirring silently in my arms. I smiled. I looked to my right. Edward, Rosalie, and Emmett were looking at the miracle in my arms, also smiling. I looked to my right. Alice, Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle were copying the others' looks. My smile grew wider as I looked back down to see Renesmee's eyes flutter open. She looked around, and when she looked up at me, her small lips grew into a wide grin. My smile grew even _wider_, if that was even possible now.

But my smile faltered quickly after, at the sound of tires. Pulling into the Cullen's' drive. I screeched. Renesmee jumped a little in my arms, and Jasper got up and placed a calming hand on my shoulder.

"Carlisle! Can I please beat them all to death?" I begged, the menace in my voice surprised me, but I paid no mind to it. Carlisle looked at me sympathetically, and shook his head no. "Well, can I punch Newton? Just once? _PLEASE_?!" I had handed Renesmee to Edward, and I was now on my knees, my hands clasped together. Carlisle once again, shook his head no. I jumped up, and as I did, the SUV pulled into the meadow that was the Cullen yard. I took Renesmee in my arms again, and walked to the front door. Only now had I realized a new scent. This was no surprise, but this scent was sweet, too. Slightly more bitter than Jessica's, but sweet all the same. I opened the door, and found that the newcomer was none other than, Lauren herself. I sighed. I really didn't want to put up with her right now. Renesmee touched my cheek, and told me she was hungry.

"I'll go make her bottle," Edward said, and then darted up the stairs before the humans were even parked. I nodded, but I knew it was a wasted effort because he was already upstairs. I silently pleaded Alice and Rosalie with my eyes to come and help me. They came to stand beside me, as 5 car doors slammed.

"Alice, Rosalie? Where's Bella? Did Edward ditch her for this new chick?" Lauren asked in her annoying nasal voice. I growled along with Alice and Rose.

"Actually, Bella is right here Ms. Thang," Rose told her acidly, gesturing to me.

"No she's not! Bella never had a fashion sense! And, Bella wasn't pretty!" Ouch. _That_ stung. Edward heard that. Loud and clear. He darted down the stairs at a human pace.

"Please! She was, and still is, better looking than you will ever _hope_ to be!" Edward snarled. I smiled and leaned into him, cradling Renesmee closer to my chest.

"Yeah! She's _way_ better than you and all your plastic-surgery glory!" Alice shouted. Lauren looked taken aback, while everybody else burst out laughing.

"You slut!" Lauren whispered to Alice, but we all heard it and stopped laughing immediately. Jasper walked over here, anger written all over his face.

"_What_ did you call her?" he asked quietly, afraid if he spoke any louder, he would lose it.

"A slut. What are you gonna do about it?" Lauren sneered. "Actually, Rosalie, _Bella_, you guys are sluts, too!" I was shocked. She called me a _slut_. Sure, it hurt that she called me one, but she also called Rose and Alice _sluts_. Edward's anger rolled off of him in waves. Tsunami waves.

"Maybe you haven't been paying enough attention to yourself, _Lauren_," It was Emmett's turn to sneer. "Have you ever noticed? Everybody thinks, no, wait. Everybody _knows_ you're a slut. Don't go around telling people that they're sluts. It only makes you look like a bigger one," Emmett snickered, but anger was clear on his face.

"It's true, _slut_," Tyler told Lauren.

"Yeah. Sorry, _slut_," Mike snickered.

"_Slut_. What are we going to do with you?" Eric said, tsking.

"Lauren. Sorry to break it to you, but they're right," Jessica laughed. I was shocked. Jessica was Lauren's best friend.

"You'll all be sorry for this," Lauren said in her nasal voice. I rolled my eyes.

"Sure we will," Emmett snickered.

"Ugh!" Lauren said before storming off, back to the SUV. A round of applause broke out for Emmett. He bowed and said,

"Thank you very much, ladies, gentlemen, and baby!"

"So…Bella? Want to go out tonight? I know you want some of this," Mike gestured to his body. I gagged. If I could throw up, I'm sure my lunch would be all over Renesmee right now. Thank God I can't.

"God Mike! Can't you take a freakin' hint? I. Do. NOT. Want To. Be. With. You! Just get out of my life! I hate you! You're so dang persistent! Why don't you get a life? That DOESN'T involve _me_! I love Edward and that will _never_ change!"

"Oh, baby. Don't be like that. We could have a great life together. You could ditch this freak," he gestured to Edward and I growled, though he seemed completely oblivious to that fact, "get hitched with me," he gestured to himself and I gagged again, but he still seemed oblivious, "and pop out a few mini-Mikes!" he finished. I gagged again, so wishing I could throw up so he could see how disgusting and repulsive I find him. But no. I can't. So instead I said,

"Mike, you don't know how much I want to throw up right now!" He took a few steps forward, and I took a few back. Then he lunged at me, and I backed into Edward's chest, and screamed. Edward growled, and then I felt a warm, sweaty hand on my thigh, crawling its way up. I didn't have to look to know it was Mike.

"NEWTON! GET YOUR GRIMY HAND OFF MY THIGH!" I shrieked.

"That's it! Nobody is allowed to do that to my lil' sis except her husband!" Emmett growled, but before he could get over here, Edward was already in front of me, clutching Newton's shirt with one hand. Mike was hovering 3 feet in the air.

"I told you to _never_ touch my girl again! Now, you're gonna pay," Edward said menacingly. He threw Mike down, and came to stand over by me again. His arm snaked around my waist, and I leaned into him. Mike stood up, and went to talk to Eric, Tyler, and Jessica.

"How, much you wanna bet that I could hit Cullen, and it break his jaw?" Mike asked them, so quietly that he thought we couldn't hear. But we _all _heard. And we all shared smug smiles, but tried constantly to hide them. I straightened up against Edward.

"Nothing Mike. Did you see how he just lifted you like that?" Tyler asked.

"Yeah, yeah. But I'm _stronger_. And better looking, and smarter than _Cullen_ over there," Mike sneered.

"Sure, Mike. You just keep on telling yourself that," Jessica said. "Well, if you can break, we'll each give you 5 bucks. You can't, you owe _us_ 5 bucks each," Jessica bargained.

"Deal!" Mike said, and turned around, and walked back towards us. He stopped in front of Edward, balled up his fist, pulled it behind his head, and swung it forward, right into Edward's jaw. Edward never flinched, or blinked, but pain shot across Mike's face. The next second, he was on the ground.

"That's what you get, Newton," I told him as I laughed with the rest of the Cullens and the humans.

"Told you, Mike! Now you owe each of us 5 bucks!" Jessica exclaimed, as Tyler and Eric carried Mike off to the SUV. I shut the door behind them. Renesmee patted my cheek, showing me that she was still hungry. I glanced at Edward, and he gave me her bottle. I went to sit back on the couch, Edward at my side, and Rosalie, Emmett, Alice and Jasper behind me. I put the bottle in Renesmee's mouth, closed my eyes, and leaned back. I couldn't wait to get back at Mike!

A/N: Hey guys! I need some help! What should the Cullens do to Mike? Review or PM and tell me!


	6. Edward's Revenge: Part I

**A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long! Anyways, here's the next chapter. Edward's Revenge. Hehe. Enjoy! Might I add that it was gonna take longer, and I was gonna wait until I wrote the next chapters to all my stories, but I just loved this chapter so much! I got my ideas from a few people, even if they didn't review and tell me, I've read their stories, and those gave me ideas. Special thanks to:  
**eddyismymonster**  
**lizabeth602**  
**clumsyhumanvampirewannabbe  
**Special Edward Cullen virtual cookies for you! You guys rock! Thanks for the inspiration!**

**Me: I don't own Twilight! Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Except Edward. He's mine!  
Stephenie: Excuse me?  
Me: Uh…Edward's…mine?  
Stephenie: No. He's not. He **_**was**_** mine. He **_**is**_** mine. And he will **_**always be**_** mine. Got that?  
Me: *nods weakly***

**E-POV**

I was perfectly content with planning my revenge on Newton. I almost pitied him. Almost. My life was perfect. With my beautiful wife, and the perfect child that I never imagined that I could have, considering I can't dream. **(A/N: Hehe)**

I was sitting in the living room with Bella, Emmett, Alice, and Renesmee's head was on Bella's shoulder, and she was fast asleep. Such a peaceful sight. She now looked over a year old, when really, she was only a little over a week old.

We had our plan sketched out. It was excellent. It had 3 steps. Hopefully, this will get past Newton's thick skull and help him understand that Bella doesn't love him. She never has, and she never will. Bella was excited, but also a bit repulsed by the first step. Even though she knew it wouldn't be for real, she was still a little bit against it. Steps 2 and 3, she would happily do, though.

Emmett and Alice were nearly bursting with anticipation. They were every bit as excited as I was. Bella groaned when Newton's SUV pulled off the highway, and onto the driveway. I looked at her. She had her eyes closed and she was taking deep breaths. She lifted her shield.

_Edward. I don't want to do this! Do I have to? _I nodded. She groaned again. I gave her a quick kiss. Then I got up, and walked upstairs, with Bella right behind me. At the top of the stairs, she handed Renesmee to Rosalie. We went into my room. She started walking to her packed suitcase, which was a prop for this step. She suddenly stopped, turned around, reached up, tangled her hands in my hair, and pulled my face down to hers. Our lips moved in together urgently. After all, she would be gone the rest of the day. And she would be with…_Newton_. I internally shuddered. The SUV came closer to the house. This time, only Newton's scent was there. Bella reluctantly pulled away. I chuckled. She grabbed the suitcase. Newton's car parked and he came up to the porch. I heard the fabric of his shirt rub together as he reached up to knock on the door.

"Ah! God, why can't you just give me a break, Edward?" Bella yelled, before Newton's fist touched the door.

"Because I just want to make sure you're safe!" I yelled back.

"Ugh! You're too over protective! I can't take it anymore! I'm leaving!"

"Fine! Leave!"

"I am! No need to worry about that!" She stormed out of the room, suitcase gripped in her hand. She made her footsteps heavier as she stomped down the stairs. I followed after her, my arms crossed.

When she got to the bottom of the stairs, Mike was still speechless. His arm was still frozen in mid-air. I almost laughed out loud at the shocked expression on his face. Everyone else's face just feigned shock. I went to sit down in the recliner facing the TV. Bella went to the front door.

"Hey, Mike!" she yelled enthusiastically. "You still up for that date? Of course you are! Let's go!" she grabbed his hand and towed him out to his car. She left him at the driver's side, as she went over to the passenger side. She tossed her suitcase in the back seat.

_Holy crap! Bella left Cullen! And she wants me! I knew it! I knew she would get past Cullen and his abusive ways. _I stopped listening to Mike's thoughts then.

"So, what are we doing?" Bella asked him as they pulled out of the meadow, after Newton had finally come out of shock.

"Uh, I was thinking we could go see a movie and then go out to dinner?" It came out as a question.

"Sure! That sounds great!" Bella exclaimed, but she lifted her shield and I heard her thoughts.

_Ugh. I hate this. It sucks soooo bad. Please save me from the human, Edward! I don't want to eat dinner!_ I chuckled. But right now, we had a mission to complete. Mike's SUV disappeared into the green forest. We waited a couple of minutes before we went to work.

**B-POV**

We drove in his car for an hour, heading to Port Angeles. Every five seconds he'd try to flirt, but he always just made a fool of himself. But, he won't hear that from me! I was so annoyed. But, I couldn't let that show. We had a mission to complete, and that mission wasn't going to fail because of me.

When we finally got to the theater, I saw Edward, Alice, and Rosalie hidden behind a rusted Ford a few cars down. From what I knew, Rosalie had handed Esme Renesmee before they left. I smiled at them really quickly, and then turned my head back towards Mike. We got out of the car, and started walking towards the theater. Before Mike had so much as taken a step, Alice rushed over at vampire speed, and tripped Mike.

"Huh. You know, I used to be the clumsy one. I guess I rubbed off on you in high school! Now, I'm graceful! Who would've guessed?" I teased Mike while he was getting up.

"I'm not clumsy. I just tripped over a bottle that was lying there," Mike lied. I looked back over my shoulder as a human would have to do, even though I already knew there was no bottle there.

"Uh, Mike? There's no bottle there," I told him.

"Well, there was," he lied again. This time, Edward flashed over at vampire speed and tripped Mike, and as he was still running, he gave me a very quick kiss, and then disappeared.

"Mike, I think I rubbed off on you in high school. There's _nothing_ there!" I exclaimed. Mike flushed. I giggled quietly under my breath. We walked into the theater, and everybody turned their heads to look at who had arrived. I looked around and saw everyone gawking at me, or maybe my outfit. You know, maybe it was me in the outfit! **(A/N: Pics of outfit on profile)**Mike hooked his arm in mine-I mentally gagged-and he led me to the ticket booth with a smug expression on his face. Just then, Rosalie came in and snatched all of Mike's money from his pocket. At vampire speed, of course.

When Mike chose which movie, and the dude behind the counter totaled the price-$24.99- and when Mike reached in his pocket for the money, he came up empty.

"Oh, _don't_ tell me that you take me to the movies, and then don't even have enough money to buy the freakin' tickets!" I exclaimed, loud enough that everybody in the room turned their head.

"I-I-I-I had money! I swear! It must've fallen out of my pocket or something!" he said, his words coming out so quick that a human wouldn't have known what he said.

But, I had to play the role of human so I said, "What?"

"I had the money! It must've fallen out of my pocket!" he said slower, but still panicked.

"Maybe that's what you tripped on earlier," I said sarcastically.

"Do you take credit?" Mike asked the guy behind the counter. He shook his head. "Crap," Mike muttered quietly, so he thought that I couldn't hear. "Uh, well…C'mon, Bella. The restaurant takes credit, I'm sure of that," he told me and grabbed my hand. I sighed, and let him drag me back to the car. He pulled me over to the passenger side, and then walked over to his side. He thinks Edward isn't a gentleman. Edward opened my door for me! And Mike just dragged me over here. Stupid Mike. I don't know what world he lives in if he thinks Edward isn't a gentleman. I opened the door and climbed in.

When we got to the restaurant- which was, of course, La Bella Italia-I stepped out of the car, and walked up to the door, not bothering to wait for Mike. I walked inside and then waited for the hostess to come show us our seats. Mike came in shortly after I did. He came to stand next to me, and then he put his arm around my waist. I internally gagged. Again. Disgusting. Newton's arm around my waist. I tried to imagine it as Edward's arm, but it was too warm and sweaty. A girl that looked about in her teens came over to us. She looked at us, kinda bored. But I knew her. Her name was Nashaly, and we had asked her to help us out.

"Table for 2?" she asked.

"Yup," I told her. She looked at me when Mike wasn't looking, and smiled mischievously. I returned it with a mischievous smile of my own. She led us to a table that was surrounded by many other tables, all of them full. She gave us menus and asked us what we wanted to drink.

"Water," I told her.

"Coke," Mike said.

"Ok, I'll be right back with your drinks, and to take your order," Nashaly said. I nodded, then looked down at the menu. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nashaly walk over to the door, where Emmett had just come in wearing a chef's outfit. Nashaly snuck him into the kitchen. And then went on like nothing happened.

When she came back to take our orders, I got the mushroom ravioli, and Mike ordered the minestrone **(A/N: I looked up a menu for La Bella Italia, and minestrone is an Italian soup) **She gave us our drinks, and then walked away to tell the chef (Emmett) our orders.

Mike talked nonstop about himself while we waited for our food. I was getting extremely bored, even though I had thought that I had reached my boredom capacity a while ago. Nashaly finally arrived with our food. Mine looked ok, normal, smelled gross, but then again, what human food _doesn't_? But Mike's looked awful, and smelled even worse. I could tell that Emmett had done something to it. He had added anchovies, tons of onion, hot sauce, and Brussels sprouts. But Mike was apparently clueless. He unraveled his spoon from the napkin, dipped it in the bowl, brought the spoon to his mouth and slurped and contents of it. About a second after the soup entered his mouth, he spit it back out. Too bad that spit soaked me.

"EWWWW!" I jumped up from my seat, just as Edward walked in the door. "MIKE! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" I yelled at him. Everybody was now watching us. Nashaly smiled at Edward; the mischievous smile she gave me earlier, only this one looked a bit different. It looked as if she was telling him that she completed her assignment. Edward nodded, smiling quickly at her as if to say 'Good job', and walked over to us.

"Bella?" he asked, even though he knew perfectly well it was me, but this was part of the plan.

"Edward!" I squealed, and then ran into his arms. "I'm sorry! I never meant what I said! I love you!" I exclaimed.

"I didn't mean what I said either, love," he said. Then he bent down-while I stretched up- and kissed me. My arms wound around his neck and locked together. His arms went around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

We broke the kiss, and my ears were filled with the sound of applause from every direction. The people who were watching thought that this was something to clap for. I smiled up at Edward while he smiled down at me. From the corner of my eye, I saw Nashaly standing there, looking at Mike behind me and smiling victoriously. There was no doubt in my mind that Mike's face was pricelessly shocked. I turned around to look at Mike. I was right.

"Hey, I'm gonna ride back home with Edward? That ok? I mean, I know you drove me here and all, but, I wanna go home with my husband. Ok? See ya!" I yelled as Edward picked me up bridal style. We walked over to where Nashaly was standing, and he slipped 5 100 dollar bills in her hand. Then he walked through the door of the restaurant, and he carried me to the Volvo. He put me down, opened my door, and closed it when I got in, went around to his side, and got in the car.

"You did wonderfully," Edward said softly, emotion coating his voice. I smiled.

"Thanks. You played a pretty good knight-in-shining-armor," I told him.

"That's because I've been that role in real life for you many times," he said, smirking.

"And I wouldn't have had it any other way," I told him. Then he smiled and kissed me again.

Mission:  
Mess With Mike

Step 1:  
Complete

**A/N: So? What did ya think? Did you like it? Tell me by clicking that button down there! The white one with green letters!  
BTW, this is only Part 1 of Edward's Revenge! **

**IMPORTANT: Nashaly is Kakabel. She's a really good author on FF and you guys should read her stories!**


	7. Edward's Revenge: Part II

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in so long! School has started, and OMG. I got 2 fun teachers, but the homework is crazy! And, my homeroom teacher hates children. Scary. Poor excuses, but, I also had writer's block. I used a review I really liked on what to do for Edward's Revenge Part 2, but now I can't find the review I was gonna use, so I had to come up with something. So, sorry. Onto the story! **

**HEADS UP! IF YOU ARE GOTHIC OR EMO, I am not trying to offend you in this chapter. I just need a little something that will scare Mike, especially since he knows, because of his stalker ways, that Bella would not be like this! Again, I'm so sorry but I really didn't mean to offend you!**

**E-POV**

The fake date plan went flawlessly. Perfect. Mike was stunned into silence, and most likely still is, even after a week. I was holding Renesmee, while Bella was making her a bottle. Today was the second part of the plan. Today, Alice predicted he was to come over here again. We were ready.

Bella walked into the room, the metal bottle in her hands. She felt bad about this, she knew it made it even harder for Jasper, the human blood that Renesmee needed, but she loved our daughter too much to think a lot about it.

Today, we were going to freak Mike out. Our goal- to make him run out of here screaming for his 'mommy'.

Bella took Renesmee, and sat next to me, letting Renesmee drink the contents of the bottle eagerly.

''You know the plan, right?" I asked her. She looked at me, smiled, and nodded.

"Stay out of the way until the end. Then I make my appearance," her smile grew, "and scare Mike to the point of him peeing in his pants!" she laughed, the sound like bells. I laughed with her.

Alice then appeared on the top step, while Renesmee finished the remaining blood, and drifted to sleep. Esme appeared behind Bella, and took Renesmee, since she and Carlisle would be the only ones not participating in our event.

"Good luck," Esme smiled, and walked into the kitchen.

"Ok, guys, he's on his way over now. Bella, upstairs, now," Alice commanded. Bella stood up straight, saluted, and marched up the stairs. Alice and I laughed. "Rosalie! Emmett! Jasper! Get down here! C'mon Edward, we have to go change!" I stood up, and went up to my room. **(A/N: Sorry guys, but when I looked up gothic on polyvore, most of it was for girls. No Edward, Emmett, or Jasper gothic links on my profile. ****)  
**-----------~~o0*\^|^/*0o~~----------

With our vampire speed, we were all ready before Mike's SUV had even traveled a fourth of a mile more. But, even so, we waited for a knock on the door before we went downstairs. On the top step, before Mike could see us, Alice stopped us all, and looked over our outfits. She sighed sadly, she hated these clothes. She liked bright, colorful things. A little black here and there, but not like these outfits. They had color, but too much black for Alice's unique taste.

**Alice's POV**

I looked over what they were wearing. I had on a black dress, with purple plaid in 2 X's across the middle, and along the bottom. The purple plaid was also the straps of the dress, and in 4 small lines, 2 on each side, below the X's. I had elbow-length fishnet gloves, and black pumps. Rosalie was wearing a red and black skirt. It was black along the very top, the only red there was the lace on the left and the right that went down half-way, and tied into a bow, with the leftover ribbon hanging lower than the skirt itself. The bottom half of the skirt was black also, but with splatters of red paint everywhere. She was wearing a red and black corset, a fishnet shrug, fingerless, red and black striped gloves, and a pair of black boots, with buckles going the whole length of the boot. We were both wearing all black makeup, to add to the effect. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett were dressed almost completely alike. All wearing baggy, black pants, black T-shirts, and black tennis shoes. All were very similar, but each different. And, when Bella came down, she would be wearing a black and blue zebra striped skirt, a black and blue corset, a black and blue checkered belt, black lace up boots, and a fishnet shrug, identical to Rosalie's.

**Edward's POV**

Alice sighed again, but nodded for us to continue. I went down first, with Emmett and Jasper close behind. We all had bored looks on our faces. Alice and Rosalie came down next, looking equally bored, if not more-so. **(A/N: Sorry, don't know how gothic and emo people act. I've never known one! Again, sorry if I'm getting this wrong. And, also again, if you are gothic or emo, I am in no way trying to offend you!)**

I looked over at the door, at Mike's frozen face, and that alone almost broke my bored façade. I kept myself composed, though, and looked away. I sat down on the couch, completely ignoring Mike. Jasper sat in Carlisle's recliner, Emmett on the loveseat, Rosalie on the opposite side of him, and Alice came and sat on the arm of the couch.

I could tell when Mike came back to Earth, because he started knocking again. All of us ignored him.

"Hello?! I know you know I'm here Cullen! Answer the door! Hurry up!" he shouted at us. Again, we still ignored him.

_Yes! All the Cullens have gone emo! There's no way that Bella will want a family of a bunch of emos! This is _perfect! I hate Newton's mind. I tuned him out, waiting for Bella to come downstairs. Mike knocked again.

I could hear Bella now. She was about to come downstairs. She was on the top step. Her footsteps were heavy, to let Mike know somebody was coming.

I looked over. She was there now. Mike saw her, and his jaw dropped to his feet. She looked angry, like we planned. Esme had taken Renesmee outside, next to the river in the back, so she wouldn't have to hear Bella exploded. Of course, with her being half vampire, she still would, but it wouldn't be as clear. Bella started walking towards the door, and Mike composed himself. I rolled my eyes. Bella was frowning the whole way, but Mike didn't seem to notice.

She opened the door, and leaned against the frame, her arms folded across her chest.

"What?" she spat. Mike didn't respond. She huffed. "Newton, I am going to make this so simple, a newborn would be able to understand it." We all thought about using Renesmee as an example, but since she _would_ be able to understand it, we all thought it best to just say newborn. Of course, for humans there was only one reference to newborn, so that made it easier. Mike nodded. "Leave,"  
she said slowly, making sure Mike got it, "and _never_ come back. I don't like you. I. . . _loathe _you. Ever since the 1st day I arrived here, I'd thought you were annoying. You followed me like a lost puppy, and I _hated_ it. I will_ never, ever_ love or even like you. Get the picture?" she asked him. Tears started to form in his eyes. All of us got up, and walked over to Bella. Mike was backing away now, scared as to what we would do to him.

"Guys? Guys, ok stop closing in on me like that. You're freaking me out," he said, his voice trembling. We didn't listen. Just as Emmett's hands were about to encircle Mike's neck (not really, he wouldn't actually choke him), he let out a high-pitched, girlish shriek of fear, ducked out of the way of Emmett's hands, and bolted to his SUV, tears flowing freely now. He started the car, and backed out of the meadow quickly. We couldn't see him anymore, though we could still hear his pounding heart and his rushed breathing. I smiled at Bella. The plan went just as expected. She beamed back at me. Then she turned to Alice.

"So. . .can we change out of these clothes yet?" she asked her. Alice laughed, and nodded. Bella was out of sight and up the stairs in less than a second. I smiled again, and followed her.

**Bella's POV**

I changed out of the clothes I had recently worn, to something more casual. I put on a turquoise sweater, dark wash skinny jeans, turquoise ballet flats, and a teal bracelet. Edward changed, too. Once we were both done, I rushed outside to find Esme and Renesmee. Edward wasn't far behind me. I found them next to the river, Renesmee splashing in the water, while Esme held onto her, and both of them were laughing. I smiled. When they heard Edward and I, they turned to look at us. Renesmee laughed some more, and Esme smiled. I smiled back at her. Edward's arms wound around my waist from behind, and his chin rested on my shoulder.

For an hour or so, we silently watched out daughter playing in the water. We both smiled.

**A/N: Not sure, but I think this is my longest chapter yet! So did you like it? Love it? Hate it? **_**Loathe**_** it? Review!**


	8. Edward's Revenge: Part III

**A/N: Ok, guys! I'M BACK! And very, very sad, as this is the **_**LAST **_** chapter of Stupid Mike! I think I just might cry! –Sob-  
And, guys, I planned to have this up at least a week after the last chapter. As you can see, I am very late with doing that. My very humble apologies. Blame my friend, she got me hooked on Shugo Chara and I. Could. Not. Stop. Watching. It! And, my grade in math has dropped from an 'A' to a 'C', and I'm highly disappointed in myself. No worries, though, because I plan on raising it again! So, enough of this crap about my boring life, ON WITH THE STORY.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. Sadly. Maybe Stephenie Meyer will adopt me, then when she dies her will will say 'GIVE HANNAH THE TWILIGHT SAGA'. But, I doubt it. Considering I have good parents already. And, she has no clue I even exist**

**Bella POV**

Rosalie had Renesmee with her, so Edward and I were on the couch. His arm was around my waist, while I was curled into his side. Emmett was flipping absentmindedly through the channels. He was bored. I never thought I'd see that. But, Jasper refused to fight with him, because the last time they did, they shredded 1/3 of Alice's closet, and Alice was _furious. _She wouldn't talk to him, or. . .well, you know.

Alice went shopping earlier. She had said 'I need to restore my closet,' sniffled, and ran out to her Porsche. It was really funny. We all waited until she was out of hearing range, though, to start laughing.

I sighed contentedly, and closed my eyes. Only to have them snap open again, as I remembered that today we were going to finish the last part of Edward's revenge. It's really simple, really funny. And, it's guaranteed to have Mike pee in his pants. I smiled.

I jumped off of the couch, eager to start this plan. Mike was having a Scary Movie Marathon with Eric and Tyler. The 3 had become best friends. We planned to mess with them. Scare the crap out of them. Ah, today was going to be fun.

Edward chuckled at my obvious eagerness. I glared playfully at him. Then my glare softened, and I became excited again. Alice was rubbing off on me.

"When are they gonna start?!' I whined, impatient. Edward cocked a perfect, dark eyebrow, and I giggled.

"Damn, girl! What's gotten into you?!' Emmett boomed, startling me. But I quickly recovered, and laughed again. Edward looked over at Emmett, and Emmett looked back at him. Then, they both exploded with laughter. I huffed, and crossed my arms over my chest. They only laughed harder. I turned to walk out of the room, but long, white fingers wrapped around the top part of my arm.

I turned around to face him, and every thought I had vanished. Bad idea.

His eyes were smoldering me. The honey color was burning with such intensity, I felt as though I might collapse. My knees were shaking slightly, about to give way. His arm moved from my arm, to my waist, holding me up. I drew in a shaky breath, trying to look away, but failing miserably. I couldn't believe he still had this effect on me. If I was still human, my heart probably would've stopped beating by now, only to pick up again going 150 miles per hour. He leaned closer to me, his mouth near my ear.

"Now, what were you mad about?" he asked, his velvet voice smoother than I've ever heard it before. My legs were like jello, and if it wasn't for his arm then I'm positive I wouldn't be standing right now.

"You. . .Emmett. . .laughing. . .me. . ." I gasped, surprised I could still remember, although, even as I said Emmett's name, I couldn't register that he was still sitting there, watching us, highly amused.

Edward moved his head down a little, and started planting small kisses along my jaw. This was just like that day they played baseball.

Edward's mouth moved to my ear again.

"What? I didn't exactly catch that." That bastard. But, he was my bastard. He kissed both my cheeks then. Then my forehead. Then my nose. Then, my lips. But, as soon as his lips brushed mine, he pulled back again. Even so, my mind was thoroughly cleared.

"Uh. . .I. . .I don't. . .I don't know. . ." Edward smiled, that damn perfect crooked smile, and released his grip on my waist.

"Damn, Eddie! How the hell did you do that!? I could use that on Rose!" Emmett said, and Edward just chuckled, as he fell back on the couch, pulling me with him. Then, his phone rang. He whipped it out of his pocket, and flipped it open all in one swift motion.

"Alice?" he asked, even though he already knew it was her. I didn't see him look at the caller ID, though. Hmm.

"_They're starting, Edward. Get over there! I'll meet you there!" _Alice's high soprano voice sang.

"Ok, we're going." Then he hung up. "Let's go." Before he even finished that sentence, Emmett jumped up.

"C'MON, SLOW POKES!" Edward chuckled, and I giggled, as we ran outside. Rosalie wasn't coming, and neither was Jasper. Although, they did ask us to record the whole thing for them. Edward had the small recorder in his jacket pocket. We couldn't trust Emmett with it.

As we neared Mike's house, I felt the impatient excitement I felt earlier. Alice was _definitely _rubbing off on me. The 3 repulsive scents filled the air. My nose wrinkled, and I cringed back into Edward's chest. He chuckled quietly, and then shot a warning glare in Emmett's direction. I looked over, and Emmett had a large hand clamped over his mouth, his chest shaking with the laughter that he was trying to contain. I glared at him.

"I can beat you at arm-wrestling," I told him, quietly, 'cause if we spoke too loudly, Mike, Eric, and Tyler would be able to hear us now. His laughter abruptly subsided. I smirked, and heard Edward chuckle again. I looked in the trees in Mike's yard, and found the one Alice was perched in, watching us with amused eyes.

I ran up to the tree, and leapt gracefully up to the branch Alice was sitting in. Edward followed, and leapt up to sit beside me. Emmett, on the other hand, had to find a bigger branch to support his massive size. I giggled.

"She's been acting like that all day," Edward said to Alice from his place behind me. I could hear the smile in his voice. Alice laughed quietly. "She's really excited. She can't wait to get Newton off her back," he answered her unspoken question. She nodded, and looked into the window that was in what appeared to be the living room. Mike, Tyler, and Eric were just walking in, and Mike had a handful of movies. _Child's Play, The Ring, _and _Prom Night_ were in his hand. That was it, though. Only 3 movies.

I looked at Edward questioningly. "I thought this was supposed to be an all day thing. Why only 3 movies?" He laughed.

"They figured they would watch _Child's Play_ and _The Ring_, first, since they were the scariest movies. Then they figured they'd watch _Prom Night -_ because their friends have told them it's not scary at all - to end with, so they 'wouldn't have nightmares later'." He snorted. I clamped a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. He looked at me, his butterscotch eyes dancing with amusement. I leaned back into his chest, and his arms wrapped around me.

Tyler put _Child's Play _in, while Mike and Eric went to get drinks and popcorn.

Just as the previews were ending, Mike and Eric walked in the room. Eric grabbed the remote quickly, and pressed play. As the opening credits played across the screen, their heart rates increased. I held my breath, and Edward's grip on my waist tightened, restraining me.

_*******When the movie's almost over*******_

Mike's little sister (yeah, I didn't know he had one, either) had a doll in her room that we were going to use. It took us a good few minutes to actually find it with all the baby dolls lying around. The plan was that we recorded Emmett's voice (after we finally got him to be serious and stop laughing), and stuck the recorder to the doll's back, so it made these really creepy, human-like sounds.

We got some fake blood stuff, and Emmett and Jasper took the pleasure of artistically placing it on the doll's face to make it look really creepy. They tried to show it to Renesmee. I almost ripped their arms and legs off.

Emmett had a real-looking knife that was coated in fake blood. We put that in the doll's hand. We slashed the doll's clothing, putting that fake blood crap (yes, I know, we're using it a lot) on its clothing, letting it dry so it stained. His sister and parents were away for the weekend, and it was just him, Eric, and Tyler. We bought a doll exactly like his sister's to not raise any suspicion . . . and to make them seem like they were crazy afterwards.

We attached very thin strings to the doll, to make it like a puppet. They wouldn't be able to see them. Emmett would be controlling the puppet, because he was best at it. Don't ask me how, I have no clue.

The movie was just getting suspenseful, and we were about to start. Emmett would get on the roof, and the doll would dangle in front of the window.

I looked over. Emmett had this really creepy, evil smirk on his face, as he leapt onto the roof. Alice tossed him the doll, and he caught it, careful not to crush it. It was getting dark, but there was still a small amount of light left. Edward handed Alice the recorder, and leapt quietly out of the tree. He went to the side of the house. Emmett lowered the doll, but put it off to the side of the window, so Mike, Eric and Tyler couldn't see it yet. The movie was at the most suspenseful part now, and Emmett whispered 'Ok, go!' to Edward.

Edward cut the power. Mike, Eric, and Tyler squealed, yes, squealed. Emmett put the doll in front of the window now, and raised it hand with the string to make it knock. The 3 boys whirled around, looked out the window, and the scream they gave was deafening. Then, Emmett whipped the doll back to the side, pulled it up so he could get a hold of it, and jumped back into the tree. Part 1: Check.

Then, Alice took out her cell phone, dialed *67 and Mike's number. She said that the 3 boys had already seen _The Ring_.

Mike's phone rang. He took it out, and looked at the Caller ID.

"It says PRIVATE," he said quietly.

"A-A-Answer it," Tyler stuttered. Mike flipped his phone open.

"H-H-H-H-H-Hello?"

Alice lowered her voice.

"7 days," she drawled eerily. "Leave the town, or you will die in 7 days," she hung up. Mike looked at his phone, horrified. We all covered our mouths to keep from laughing.

"What? What happened?!" Eric asked.

"I have to leave the town in 7 days," Mike squeaked. "Or I'll die," he said. Mike is so gullible and stupid. Eric and Tyler's eyes widened.

"You have to get out of here! C'mon, we'll help you pack! Let's hurry!" The 3 of them rushed upstairs, to Mike's room.

We ran home, as fast as we possibly could. Once out of hearing range, we burst out laughing. I clung to Edward, looking for support. He put me on his back, laughing, and we continued to run home.

We got there a few minutes later, and I jumped off of Edward's back.

"We finally did it!" I said enthusiastically. I grinned, and kissed Edward. My hands wrapped around his neck, while his wrapped around my waist. We broke apart after a minute.

"Mommy? Daddy?" Renesmee said, walking into the room, rubbing her eyes.

"She just woke up a few minutes ago," Rosalie said, for my benefit, I'm guessing. I nodded. I spread my arms, and Renesmee came over and jumped into them. She buried her head in my shoulder. I rubbed her back.

She lifted her head up, and then reached over for Edward. He took her in his arms.

I could finally relax with my new family.

**A/N: Last chapter! Did you like it? **


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